Homecoming..........
Again I find myself at one of life's anniversaries. The passage of time being touted as a great healer.
A wise woman I had randomly met in the course of working at one of many hospitals told me," it doesn't get easier , it just gets different". She and I shared a dubious distinction of being mother's of children who had passed away. The day I met her it was the 23rd anniversary of her daughter's death.
I was freshly grieving the death of my oldest daughter. Her words have stayed fresh in me these last 13 plus years. At the time they made me angry. How could this be true?? Didn't they say time heals all wounds?
Today as I reflect back I notice I hold Shannon away, at arms length, and look back at her absence. It's as if that picture of her absence is what I see when I think of it. This being the week of her passing 14 years ago, I find myself looking for a way to honor her memory, to hold her in some new way again.
I had decided a couple of weeks ago, anticipating this anniversary, I didn't have to do anything formal. As the week wore on , I noticed a shift. My body never lies.....It wasn't landing well to let the moment pass without some recognition of her life.
I suspect that the prospect of visiting the exquisitely tender place where her absence feels the most real wasn't welcoming. So I listened. What emerged was surprising.
I acknowledge the loss at the same time heard this voice, "she came from you!" The light in my head went,"yes.....part of her is still here, in you!" the line between here and there is not so far.
This message stunned me for a moment and I got how the memory of her absence and the loss are "out there" but the part that made her is "in here".
My internal wisdom is very, very patient. She has waited along time for me to catch up. I am curious in what new ways will holding the part of me that is her be different than holding the memory of her absence so far apart from me that it is hard to visit.
A wise woman I had randomly met in the course of working at one of many hospitals told me," it doesn't get easier , it just gets different". She and I shared a dubious distinction of being mother's of children who had passed away. The day I met her it was the 23rd anniversary of her daughter's death.
I was freshly grieving the death of my oldest daughter. Her words have stayed fresh in me these last 13 plus years. At the time they made me angry. How could this be true?? Didn't they say time heals all wounds?
Today as I reflect back I notice I hold Shannon away, at arms length, and look back at her absence. It's as if that picture of her absence is what I see when I think of it. This being the week of her passing 14 years ago, I find myself looking for a way to honor her memory, to hold her in some new way again.
I had decided a couple of weeks ago, anticipating this anniversary, I didn't have to do anything formal. As the week wore on , I noticed a shift. My body never lies.....It wasn't landing well to let the moment pass without some recognition of her life.
I suspect that the prospect of visiting the exquisitely tender place where her absence feels the most real wasn't welcoming. So I listened. What emerged was surprising.
I acknowledge the loss at the same time heard this voice, "she came from you!" The light in my head went,"yes.....part of her is still here, in you!" the line between here and there is not so far.
This message stunned me for a moment and I got how the memory of her absence and the loss are "out there" but the part that made her is "in here".
My internal wisdom is very, very patient. She has waited along time for me to catch up. I am curious in what new ways will holding the part of me that is her be different than holding the memory of her absence so far apart from me that it is hard to visit.
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